i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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