my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
my poor anus
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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