Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
