I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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