sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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