if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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