I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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