I'm really into asian looking animals
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
