i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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