Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
