dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
