I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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