i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
