You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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