the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The adults are the big ones right?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
