today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
