I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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