I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
