oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
