If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
