I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
