My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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