Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
