omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
