We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
