i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
