If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
