That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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