how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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