Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
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