just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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