I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
