dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Go christen that room with your naked body.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
