I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I AM VODKA MAN
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
