I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
