Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
