the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
