I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
