Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
