I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Randomize
