Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
