it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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