God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
