I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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