How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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