its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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