Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
