how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Rumble strips road head = magical
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
