Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
