In America we eat man semen.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
